Get Up Eight Times

NBA TV Coverage, Part I here.

When the NBA on NBC said farewell in 2002, I was a little sad—it was like saying goodbye to an old friend, saying goodbye to an era that would never be replicated. Nevertheless, I was hopeful that ESPN and ABC (or ESPN on ABC, which I just cringe trying to say) would at least give it a fair run at keeping it decent.

I should have known better.

Disneyfied and headed down the path of self-parody, ESPN wasted no time in proving how they could screw up something as simple as basketball coverage. Reaching the end of its first seven year stint (with another terrifying seven years looming around the corner), ESPN quickly placed the NBA on the backburner behind the NFL, MLB, college sports, golf, tennis, and even poker and let the sport sink. Their lazy, uninspired, stupid coverage wasn’t the only problem with the league (we’ll touch on that in later articles), but they sure did their best to undo all the good will CBS and NBC had built up between sports fans and the NBA, an underdog league in the fight for supremacy against the NFL and MLB. In marketing the sport, ESPN has managed to do everything wrong. A simple compare and contrast between the Peacock and the Worldwide Leader should illustrate many of the problems.

The Hook

Here was NBC’s main theme for almost its entire time on the air. Simple, elegant, to the point, plus it was more than enough to pump me up plenty for the actual game. By the time NBC left, Roundball Rock had already become my official theme for basketball. Seeing it disappear was a bitter pill, especially considering what ABC has produced since has been nothing short of gag-inducing.

The intro music videos have insofar featured the painful, mind-numbing rotation of the Black Eyed Peas, Justin Timberlake, Destiny’s Child, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Rob Thomas, and most recently the cheap tramp outfit seen above. It’s nice to know the NBA knows its fan base so well; you can just smell the high-powered estrogen emanating from that lineup of douchery. This shameless bubblegum emulation of the MTV model has the NBA fan wondering what’s more important: The game, or whether I should be finding ways to make sweet animal love to Nicole Scherzinger. Very disturbing state of affairs.

Over the past few years the ESPN franchise has done its best to bring class back to the NBA Finals, but it’s inexplicable why they couldn’t start from Christmas Day onward to emphasize the damned games. The music should enhance the experience of watching the game, not become a sideshow and a detraction to it.

Cleaning it up: For God’s sake, find a real music composer. Conduct a piece that doesn’t sound like it was synched together by a twelve year old. I’m not lovin’ your shit.

Tip-off/Halftime Show

Bob Costas was the anchor through the 90s, capably backed up by Hannah Storm and Ahmad Rashad when need be. Add in the surly evil of Peter Vescey and the capable analysis of long-time greats like Julius Erving, Bill Walton, and Pat Riley scattered through the years and you had just the right segway into and in-between games. Near the end, things grew fairly weak, but NBC made up for it with the necessary buildup (flying crews to Game 7s in Conference Finals being a notable example).

Since then, garbage. Mike Tirico was competent enough, although listening to him cackle it up with Joel Siegel about The Hulk during the Finals is a moment I’d rather forget. Dan Patrick was as stiff as they came these last two playoffs, asking stilted questions and recapping games with repeated halts and canned lines that you wondered if he was just reciting straight up from the prompter. Patrick, Michael Wilbon and Jon Barry travelled on the road to each big Sunday game last year, which seems like a complete waste of money for what amounts to twenty minutes of fluff pieces.

Additionally, ESPN’s ridiculous desires to cut costs has left them with the Sean Salisbury syndrome of finding cheap names to spout opinions. Greg Anthony, Tim Legler, Barry, Kiki Vandeweghe, Jamal Mashburn? None of them are terrible, but they’re much closer to drones than anyone on the NBC side ever was. No analysis, just more Monday Morning quarterbacking. I’d talk about Stephen A. Smith, BUT HE’D JUST SHOUT ME DOWN! HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT!

Cleaning it up: Ugh, why bother. Put John Saunders or Tirico back in the NBA seat with Patrick on his way out. If you put in another generic stiff like Fred Hickman I will personally come with a trebuchet to Bristol and start knocking the place down. In six years we go from Bob Costas to Fred Hickman?

If you’re going to go on the road, put some work into it. Stop talking about how player X is Jordanesque or how this guy reminds you of great player Z from the 90s. We’re supposed to be looking forward chaps, not backwards. Give us depth, please.

Announcers/Reporters

NBC was always stacked here, and it was a godsend for diehards. Marv Albert was the lead announcer for nine years, Bob Costas for three in the middle. Behind those faces came pre-senile Dick Enberg, Tom Hammond, Greg Gumbel, Mike Breen. Add in Mike Fratello, Doug Collins, Matt Guokas, Bill Walton, Snapper Jones and you have all the announcing firepower you need. Ahmad Rashad and Hannah Storm were the perfect reporting team. Everything just clicked right in the NBA during the 90s.

ABC trotted out Brad Nessler (never covered the NBA for this year) for the 2003 NBA Finals, Walton, and Tom Tolbert (clenching teeth…), which was a disaster on every level. ABC cleaned up its act by hiring Al Michaels, who was respectable enough, even though he was pretty much there to collect paychecks. Doc Rivers was decent enough, but his stint ended when he had the ridiculous notion that he could still coach. Hubie Brown flip-flopped between saying the referees were doing a good job in a game to doing a great job during the game. The 134 year old corpses of Brent Musberger and Jim Durham were resuscitated to call garbage Saturday ESPN playoff games and just sounded…old. And the sideline reporting is goddamn atrocious. Jim Gray started this mess, and now I’m ready to smash the set everytime I hear someone ask “How do you feel about X and Y?” Enough already. Ask a real question, or take us home.

Cleaning it up: Although the announcing problems have sort of worked their way out, with Breen an excellent commentator and Marc Jackson providing adequate analysis, I still worry about ESPN screwing it up by making Jeff Van Gundy act crazier than he already is. Something isn’t quite clicking yet. Maybe it’ll be better next year, but I’d prefer two two-man booths (Breen and Jackson, Tirico and Van Gundy, or put Doris Burke somewhere noticeable; she’s awesome), with maybe a three-man booth during the Finals. It’s too much of a balancing act to have a three-man team all at once.

And for the love of God, get Stu Scott away from my TV. Unless you have a translator ready. And some antibiotics.

Jim Gray. Okay…well, that’s something that both networks were pretty bad at. It figures that sniveling little weasel would end up as Kobe Bryant’s lapdog. Such evil I’ve never encountered the likes of.

Cleaning him out: You cannot destroy Jim Gray. He will only come back stronger than ever. The man will haunt us long after he has passed on.

Next: NBC vs. ABC, the intricacies.